Words can be haunting at any age!

When I was doing the second part of my student teaching I wasn't realizing I was "sick." I thought I was majorly stressed and that is why I was slurring my words, not comprehending anything, and crying a lot. It wasn't until I could not stop crying or even put my clothes on that I realized I was having a severe depressive episode and needed medical help. So maybe because of my condition things seemed much worse than what they really were. Nonetheless, I am still haunted by all the negativity that I was around.

Let's call the school Hades Elementary and my supervising teacher Ms. X. I have a four page chart of many of the negative things she told and my reasoning for doing what she claimed. I just thought I was messing up that bad. Now that I am more clear headed I realize not everything was all my fault, but there's always that little record playing in the back of my head hearing her voice and negative comments and making me second guess myself. I was 34 years-old at the time, not a kid like most student teachers are. I hate to think of the impact she has had on some of her students although she is known as a great teacher and had even won awards for her area. If the student had a question that dealt with the subject she was talking about and she did not want to answer it she would just tell them: "That's irrelevant." After that I noticed how the students would just wilt and some of them stopped asking questions altogether. She kept reminding them about THE test as if the only reason she was there was teach content and nothing else. She even discouraged the students from talking to me. They were instructed not to ask me for permission for anything because they were "taking advantage of my kindness." REALLY? I was not allowed to give them pencils. What little time I was allowed to give lessons she would tell me how horrible I did. Of course I had to get my lesson plan approved by her before I taught. She would change her mind at the last minute and I would have to redo things. During an observation from my supervisor I blanked out. It was like my brain stopped functioning at all. The kid were asking me questions and talking but it sounded as if they were all under water. I kept trying to teach but I was messing up the information and causing confusion. That was my fault but she was actually nice about that! My supervisor was not so understanding. When it came time for me to tape my lesson she told me I had wasted two hours of HER instruction time and not to bother turning the lesson in to my supervisor. She made me feel like she was going to fail me no matter what I did. I could go on and on about the negativity. I only had to endure a few weeks of this. As long as the students followed her every direction and did not ask many questions she was fine.The had the exact same task to do most every day. She would mix it up with simulations every now and then. They loved that. So in this case, for the most part, the good out weighed the bad. I even witnessed her telling a parent how "bad" her kid was. The child may have had some problems but you talk down about someone's kid to them. Yes, focus on weak areas and how to improve but do not come off as judgmental. 

If the question is "irrelevant" to what is being taught there are ways to handle that. Yes, some students find it rather amusing to get the teacher off track by asking off the wall questions but usually younger children are innocent when they do this. If a child...or in my case an adult...is constantly talk down to and made to feel stupid it is hard thing to get over. Self esteem and confidence fly out the window and may never return. No matter what our position is in life we should always have positive thing to say to people, young and old. Don't let your words be haunting words.

What I learned in 5th grade...

Today I realized that every time I discuss anything of any significance that happened in my childhood I refer more to the grade I was in than to how old I was. "Oh yes, I remember that. I was in 'so and so' grade." Not sure if anyone else does that or not. A couple of things crossed my mind today and I thought to myself: "I was in fifth grade when that happened." So of course I go strolling down memory lane.

The year was 1985. Back then we started school about the third week of August. At the beginning of August the Lord saved my soul and the day after I was baptized I got braces. There was a horrible car wreck that killed an elderly lady who was a neighbor to my sister. How do I remember that? I am not sure. I was excited for school to start because my teacher was a young lady that graduated with my brother. She was very sweet and liked hugs. I think it may have been her first year of teaching. Two of my closest friends were in the same room. Of course being such a tiny school I already knew all my classmates. 


I learned a lot my fifth grade year, more so about life than academics but I learned several new things in that area too. In October only a few short weeks before my brother was to move back home from the Air Force my grandfather had a massive heart attack. He survived but it was very serious. I was afraid I would not have him by Christmas. I really didn't realize how much this was affecting me until my mom met with my teacher. The next day of school she sat with me and ask me about my grandfather. My initial thought was, "Why does she care she is a teacher?" That is when I really realized that teachers were people too. She had grandparents, parents, and siblings. She was a real person. I had always had awesome teachers that were very caring but personalization never occurred to me to mind.

That fall the Titanic had been "rediscovered" by and was being explored by a man who had invented some robotic machines that could navigate through the wreckage. The St. Louis Cardinals were in the series again. This thrilled me to no end. That same fall I started realizing how different things were becoming on all levels. I was not as shy as I used to be for one thing. My feelings were changing about different things. I was on the road to adulthood and I had no idea what was happening. Things were getting a little confusing. Fortunately at this time in my life I started realizing what true friendship was. Friends were not just people you sat beside at lunch and talked to or played with at recess. Bethany and I started hanging out more and more. She wasn't even in my class. We started having sleep overs, something I had never really done before nor did I want to do. By the end of my fifth grade year things were getting very scary. I was going to have to go to Middle School and there would be a bunch of kids I did not know unlike my cozy little little elementary classrooms I would have to change classes, have different teachers all day, and go my locker when I was supposed to. On top of all that my sister was getting married before school was even out. I came to school crying. This was a lot for one little girl to take in and what happened? There was my caring teacher with her arms out and my real friends around me trying to make me feel better. Did I learn something besides life lessons that year? Of course!


We had reading worksheets with a few paragraphs and questions at the end to assess comprehension. That year I learned that Mt. McKinnley is the highest mountain in the United States and it is located in Alaska. I learned that Bill Cosby had a troubled childhood but he prevailed (the Cosby Show was popular that year so that interested me).  I also learned that there was a dreadful disease that doctors did not know much about called AIDS. An actor had already died from it and a little boy named Ryan White had this. He was not allowed to go to school and this stirred national attention. We discussed this as a class. We also talked about a little boy named Adam Walsh who was abducted from a New York mall and killed. Our teacher told us things we could do to stay safe from strangers. We even did a finger print kit. In social studies we learned how our country started and with the help from my teacher's husband I learned that Hooker was the name of a general and the way that prostitutes got the name "hookers" was because of that guy. I learned that I had a hard time with converting measurements and cheating was not the answer. Science was a big deal. Though nothing pops in my mind about it right now if the right thing is mentioned I'll say: "Oh yes, I learned about that in the fifth grade." I could also ask my very best friend if she remembers, after all she was in my fifth grade class.